


Ruin Myself

by hvss



Series: Hoax [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Age Difference, M/M, Sexual Content, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:55:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28035789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hvss/pseuds/hvss
Summary: Richie had done it. Richie had done what Eddie begged him to do.'Years too late', Eddie instinctively thought.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Original Male Character(s), Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Hoax [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053596
Comments: 16
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! I can't believe I actually continued this. A big shoutout to T-Swift for releasing a great album that inspired a lot of this (and her most recent album which will inspire this even more I suppose, sad songs for the win!) this is not an alternative ending, this is a continuation of where the story left. you can read this without reading the first part if you'd like but it might be a little confusing. again, just a disclaimer: these characters have a lot of flaws and naturally their relationship is flawed. anyways... sorry if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. ENJOY!

Eddie looks out the balcony of his apartment and sees the trees moving slowly against the wind. The sound of traffic was dull. It was a calm day that was accompanied with a calm night.

But there was nothing calm with the way his heart was racing.

His usual routine after work was to shower, cook and then watch something on Netflix, maybe call or have his boyfriend around and then sleep soundly.

Oh right, _his boyfriend_. He has a nice, caring boyfriend who put him first and would never put him through hell.

And yet here he is, in full panic mode because he can’t stop thinking about what the receptionist at work had said.

“Richie Tozier closed his counseling facility, his divorce with his husband bled him dry I guess, at least that’s what I heard. Anyways he is starting here soon, what a downgrade of owning your own facility to having to work for one. I bet he is embarra-” Eddie tunes her out and tries to make sense of what he heard.

And he has been a loss for words for the rest of the day. His clients didn’t notice or anyone else.

Richie had done it. Richie had done what Eddie begged him to do.

_'Years too late'_ , Eddie instinctively thought. He shakes his head and decides a shower could clear his head. It doesn’t. But he tried.

He couldn’t let himself go there again. Eddie remembers just how hard it was to rebuild himself, to stitch himself up again and figure out where everything went. It was the hardest thing he ever had to do, and he wasn’t going to walk down that lane again.

But he was curious... when did he ask for divorce? Why did he sacrifice his facility? All his hard work? Why did Richie wait this long?

_No, no, no!_ It wasn’t his business. He was not part of that marriage. Eddie hadn’t talked to Richie in... what was it four or five years ago?

The way they ended things destroyed Eddie, to the point that he wondered if he would ever move on. If he would just continue his life feeling hopeless.

At first it seemed impossible. If it wasn’t for the constant support of his friends, especially Mike, he would still be Richie’s secret. And then after as any good counselor would, he got counseling for himself and fast forward to now.

Eddie’s life was nice, it was calm and nice. He wasn’t ready to have Richie back in his life.

He could quit, but for what? He is over Richie. He guesses some closure could be nice. But just thinking about him makes his skin itch. He takes a deep breath and knows that he can do this.

That’s until he comes into his office one day and Richie is there, standing in front of him.

“Oh, hey Eddie.” Richie just says as he sees Eddie frozen on his spot. He brushes past him and Eddie’s brain is still rewiring. “My office is next to yours, we are neighbors.”

It’s… strange. The way Richie is so casually talking to him, like their last conversation didn’t end with Eddie screaming at the top of his lungs. And he didn't put a front either, they were the only ones in the building. Richie was genuinely talking to him like they left on great terms.

Perhaps that was better than to acknowledge their whole tragic history. Eddie just nods at him the best he can and goes back into his office.

Eddie has treatment notes he has to complete, and treatment plans he needs to review, but he is simply just thinking of the person next door. Richie looked good. He looked older but really good. It seemed like he worked out a little more. He even looked younger in a way. Perhaps the stress-free life of not having an affair does that, Eddie bitterly thinks.

His co-workers come in as noon hits. He wants to get busy and forget all about Richie. Apparently, it is not the day for it because his boss calls in a meeting to introduce Richie. At the meeting Richie introduces himself to everyone, then Hilda, his boss, explains the process and expectations.

“Eddie hold on for a second.” Hilda says as the meeting is over. She waits until everyone is out of the conference room, “You can show him the client’s that were previously Felix’s. Also give him a copy of our notes for references.”

“Why me?” Eddie blurts out. The last thing he wanted was to be alone with Richie.

Hilda frowns a little, probably surprised by his question. “He told me you guys were friends a few years ago, figured he would do well if a familiar face was explaining the process.”

She doesn’t leave any time for Eddie to complain again and leaves the meeting room.

Eddie takes a deep breath and gathers Felix’s client files along with a copy of his notes and knocks on Richie’s door.

“Come in.” He hears Richie say and he inhales deeply then opens the door. Richie cracks a small smile, “Hilda told me you’d be helping me get settled.”

Eddie nods and sets down the files on his desk. “Those are the client files, you can browse through them before giving them a call. Most clients know about the transfer of counselors, but it would be nice to establish rapport.”

Richie just nods and Eddie felt strange again. Richie was the one who basically taught him how to establish rapport and here Eddie was giving him instructions about it now.

“And uh, here are my notes. Standard notes, nothing too fancy. You can keep it as a reference.” Eddie says and places the notes on top of the files. “Any other questions?”

“None at the moment, but if I can think of any I know where to find you.” Richie smiles at him and Eddie simply nods and leaves his office.

Eddie does manage to get some work done, even if his mind is elsewhere. He ended up staying a little later due to the fact that he remembered at the last second, he needed to finish a treatment plan review because his client would be in early tomorrow. He is leaving around 7, texting his boyfriend take out ideas because he was not in the mood to cook when he notices Richie is still in his office.

Richie notices him too and smiles, “Eddie, I have a question!” He says and puts his files away on the file cabinet to the side.

Eddie nods and leans against his door frame, “Where you confused on the notes?”

“No.” Richie shakes his head and takes a step closer in Eddie’s direction. “It’s not work related.” Eddie blanks a little and Richie continues. “Can I take you out for dinner tonight? I remember you like Italian and I just yelped several good Italian places, all four star and up ratings of course-“

“What?” He asks a little dumbfounded. “Did you… want to discuss the clients further? We can do that tomorrow if you want.”

Richie rolls his eyes, “I told you it wasn’t work related. I want to take you out. Like on a date, like romantically.”

Eddie’s eyes felt like they were bugging out of his head and his jaw dropped a little. _What the fuck?!_

“You’re insane…” Eddie simply says and shakes his head, “I don’t want to date you. Richie what the fuck?!”

Richie remains calm as Eddie feels his blood pressure rising. He hums, “Why not? I’m divorced now. We can do this the correct way.”

“The correct way?!” Eddie snaps at him, “You’re fucking insane! Do you not remember what I told you before I walked away?! How the fuck do you even think I would even consider it?!”

“If I remember correctly, you had a huge issue with me not leaving my husband. And I did leave him. So how am I insane?” The older man cocks his head a little, still confused but he seemed a little more agitated.

Eddie just can’t believe how Richie thought he’d just fall back into his arms. “You hurt me in ways I never thought were possible. You destroyed who I was, and it took everything for me to build and repair myself again. I do not fucking care that you are divorced, you could be the last person in this planet, and I would rather die alone!”

Richie flinches a little, which Eddie cheers internally, “Eddie I know I did wrong by you, but here I am trying to do things correctly.”

“I said I don’t fucking care. You lost me a long time ago. I have a boyfriend now and he is amazing and wonderful. He never puts me second and would never hurt me!” Eddie hisses at him.

Richie narrows his eyes, “You’re lying.”

“Why would I lie about this?” Eddie growls, “You know what? I don’t care. I am done talking to you.”

He feels a hand on his arm pulling him back to face Richie. “Eddie… I want you back, let me make this right. Please.”

Eddie fights off a shiver at the intensity of Richie’s glare. He yanks his arm back, “You stay the fuck away from me, we are simply two people who work together. If you try anything, I will report you to HR.”

Richie lets him go and Eddie quickly walks away, sliding into his car and fighting tears the entire time.

“Babe?” Cesar waves a hand in front of his face to get his attention.

Eddie was deep in thought. It had been a month since Richie came back into his life. Despite his claim of wanting Eddie back, Richie seemed to be ignoring him.

Richie came in the day after their confrontation and brought him a coffee just how Eddie liked it because apparently, he remembered. And simply said a small ‘sorry’ and had left his office.

And then he just… _ignored Eddie_. Their offices were side to side but there was no communication. Richie would sit very far away from Eddie in the meetings. He wouldn’t even greet Eddie. Nothing.

Eddie knows he is being impossible because this is what he wanted. He told Richie to leave him alone, and Richie was doing that… so why was it bothering him?

He was frustrated. Richie had wiggled his way into his mind yet again and here he was thinking about him instead of spending time with his boyfriend.

Eddie smiles apologetically, “Sorry… thinking of a client.”

Cesar nods and takes a bite out of his sandwich. He’d come to pick him up for lunch as he normally did once a week. “Work is stressful again?”

His boyfriend knew that sometimes Eddie wasn’t as immune to his clients. Despite how much he tried to not get attached, sometimes he did, and he’d exhaust himself trying to help them.

“Uh yeah…” Eddie nods and plays with his food again. It wasn’t a lie, technically work was stressful but not for the reason Cesar thought.

“Remember you cannot change them unless they want to.” Cesar slides his hand over Eddie and squeezes it gently. “You do the best and you’re an awesome counselor.”

Eddie grimaces slightly and nods. He is starting to think he doesn’t deserve his boyfriend. “Yeah... thank you babe.”

“So…” Cesar changes the topic, “Should I wait up for you tonight? Is there a possibility that you’ll be too drunk to drive?”

“Oh... it's just a small thing. I don’t want to stay long.” Eddie says groaning a little, “I’m only going because she is the boss.”

Her boss was throwing a small get together at her house for her birthday. It was Friday and most of the counselors didn’t have to work the next day. A little fun was always encouraged by her.

“Please, you’ll have fun.” Cesar chuckles, “And no, I am not going. I don’t want your colleagues to analyze me like they always do. I might date a counselor but that doesn’t mean I enjoy the nitpicking.”

Eddie laughs, “I’m sorry!” Lunch ends and Cesar drops him back at his job. He gets back to work, meets with his clients.

Most of the office is gone when Eddie leaves. He knew he was arriving a little late. But with the way Hilda greets him with a little too much excitement, he figures she has already had a bit to drink and won’t notice his timing. “Let me take your coat! Snacks and food are in the living room and refreshments are by the bar. I had no idea Richie was a God with cocktails!” She gushes, “As you can tell I’ve had a few.”

Eddie just smiles and walks away. His co-workers are there, clearly on the same boat as Hilda. He rounds the corner and spots Richie at the bar talking animatedly with Hilda’s husband and a crowd around him.

It was strange, he felt… _iced out_. Everyone in the office seemed to love Richie. He was charismatic and his experience was obvious, but he never made anyone feel stupid. He loved to help people. That much hadn’t changed.

And yet… Eddie continues being ignored. To be fair, Eddie didn’t try to speak to Richie. But Richie didn’t try either.

Again, he shouldn’t care but unfortunately… he does. And he hates it.

He didn’t want to get near Richie, so he just goes back to the living room. Eddie is deciding if he should get some nachos or get actual food when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns slightly and Richie is there, standing in front of him holding a drink.

“Figured you’d like a drink.” He smiles and hands it to him, “Everyone seems to be loving the cocktails.”

“I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight.” Eddie says flatly and turns around.

“Oh… this is made specifically for you.” Richie says and Eddie turns around again and eyes the cocktail.

It was his favorite cocktail, Richie remembered that as well. He clears his throat and nods, grabbing the cocktail. “Thank you.” And Richie just nods and turns around walking away.

So, Richie ignores him for a month and today he gives Eddie his favorite cocktail? What kind of game was he playing? Or were there no games? Was Richie just trying to do as Eddie requested and sometimes do something nice for him?

He doesn’t get any snacks or food. He drowned the cocktail, and it was delicious. He is not proud, but he also sneaks into the bar and grabs one of the wine bottles. Eddie slides into the patio and finds a bench there. It was cold but the wine was helping. He felt odd and he just wanted to be alone.

Eddie sighs softly, maybe he should call Cesar so he can come pick him up. Cesar would just think it was his work again that has him this bad. He wouldn’t think anything else. Cesar didn’t know about Richie. The only thing Cesar knew was that Eddie had a bad relationship a few years ago.

He reaches for his phone about to call Cesar when he hears someone approaching him. He looks up and it’s Richie eyeing him carefully.

“What are you doing here? I don't think Hilda would love to know you stole one of her wine bottles.” Richie smiles, trying to ease the tension Eddie figures.

“Are you going to rat me out?” Eddie raises an eyebrow and takes another swig.

“Nah. We all have our vices. Although I do recommend seeing a counselor.” He smirks and sits next to Eddie.

“I’m not an alcoholic.” Eddie grumbles, Richie smells amazing. “I’m just having a bad night.”He didn’t mean to say the last part. But when he is drunk, his filter dissipates.

Richie nods, looking straight ahead instead of looking at Eddie. “Sorry to hear that. You know alcohol is a depressant, so you’re making it worse by drinking.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, “Shut up.” He offers Richie the wine bottle, “Want some?”

“No, I’m trying to sober up. I’m driving home after this.” Richie then looks at him, “Is your boyfriend picking you up?”

“Yeah probably. I was about to call him.” Eddie meets his gaze, “Can’t drive like this.”

“Can you even walk?” Richie asks, smirking a little.

“I can handle my alcohol well.” Eddie furrows his eyebrow.

“Or you’ll have someone to take care of you.” Richie suggests and for some reason that strikes a fire in Eddie.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!” Eddie snaps at him and stands up, “I can, and I have always taken care of myself!”

Richie raises his hand in surrender. “Hey… calm down I wasn’t trying to offend you.” And he did sound sincere.

Eddie grits his teeth, and he nods. He doesn’t sit next to him; he starts to walk away. But he trips and perhaps Richie was right, his coordination right now wasn’t good.

He feels a hand on his back and another one on his arm as Richie helps him up. “Shut up.” Eddie says before Richie says anything.

Richie laughs, “I didn’t even say anything Eds.”

And there it was. The nickname. It makes his breathing falter a little. They were already standing so close together. He could lean in and kiss him easily.

Which apparently was his plan, before he felt Richie’s hand on his chest. “Um… you’re really drunk Eddie.”

Eddie blinks and somehow it catches up to him what he just tried to do. He was a fucking idiot. _Holy shit_. A bottle of wine was all it took for him to give in? _Fuck!_

“You should call your boyfriend.” Richie says, his voice more hushed than before. “Do you need any help getting inside?”

Eddie can’t speak, he can’t even look at Richie. He shakes his head.

“Hey Eddie…” Richie starts, and Eddie just can’t.

He raises a hand to stop him and finds his voice again. “I have to go.” He starts walking and hears a faint ‘goodnight’ from Richie. 

Eddie doesn’t bring it up.

He was waiting for Richie to. He had this whole speech about how he didn’t remember much and would blame it on the wine.

But Richie doesn’t bring it up either.

For some reason that brings him back years ago. When the lines between Richie and him started to blur out. He remembers how something weird would happen between them and they wouldn’t talk about it. They would just let it pass between them, until of course it builds up and Eddie couldn’t resist himself.

But that wasn’t going to happen. Eddie was the one in a relationship now. Eddie was smarter, older and wiser. He wasn’t going to let anything happen.

“Hey… I have a couple who are interested in couples therapy.” Richie starts out during their weekly meetings. “They requested an additional counselor to be present for the sessions, they said they would feel more comfortable with a secondary perspective. I am still setting up the schedule for them, so I can accommodate anyone who would like to join me.” He gives everyone a charming smile.

Julie jumps up and offers herself. Which in hindsight was good before Eddie did something stupid, like offer his services too. It had just been a week since the party incident.

A week later, he is about to leave. It had been a long day, one of his clients had lost a parent. Grief counseling was extremely draining, and it just reminded him of his own issues.

He runs straight into Richie as he exits his office.

“Hi!” Richie chirps, “Umm... Julie’s daughter got into some accident, so she has been at a hospital. Her daughter is fine but anyways long story short; she can’t help me with the couples counseling for a few weeks.” He bites his lip looking nervous, “I asked everyone else and they can’t fit it in their schedule… so um, would you want to help me?”

Eddie blinks. He was the last resort, the last person Richie wanted to ask. He almost wants to curse Richie out. But he finds himself nodding, “Sure.”

Richie’s eyes widened, “Really? Oh, thanks man! It’ll be just a few weeks until Julie can come back. I’ll send you the schedule!” He smiles at Eddie again and waves goodbye then retreats himself back at his office.

Between his grief counseling and this Eddie just wants to get home and sleep for 10 days.

Eddie wants to believe that Richie is doing everything he can to not make it weird because… well it seems like he really is trying to not make anything weird.

Richie politely greets him the next day. He gives Eddie a full psychosocial on the couples. He even is amenable to change the schedule so it could be less bothersome to Eddie. That’s what the email said, ‘ _just trying to make this situation less bothersome to you_.’

It was their first session. As far as couples counseling goes, it was what was expected. Both individuals were very defensive, they were sitting apart from each other, and the arguments were very petty. At one point the husband accused the woman of refusing to be intimate with him.

“If I may… are you talking about sex?” Eddie asked him.

He nods, of course, “What other intimacy is there?”

Eddie nods, “Well a lot of people confuse intimacy with sex. You can have a great amount of intimacy with someone and that doesn’t necessarily mean just having sex. Intimacy is key and sex is key, but those two aren’t the same thing.”

“Yes, for example sex is a physical act while intimacy is something very emotional. It is the connection that two people who love each other share.” Richie continues, “So I have a question now, do you just want sex or do you want that connection again?”

The husband is speechless, and Eddie notes how even the wife seems deep in thought. Then the husband whispers, “Both.” The session ends after, usually it’s good to let them process and then next week see what good came of it.

Eddie leans back on the chair after the couple leave and watches as Richie is typing madly on his desk. He can’t help but let his mind wander back to years ago, when Eddie was just Richie’s employee.

“So, what do you think? You think they’ll make it?” Richie asks him as he prints out the written counseling note.

“I think they have potential. They both were very quiet when they left.” Eddie shrugs, “They have a chance if they are willing to try.”

“Yeah… but isn’t that anyone?” Richie hums as he signs the note and passes it over for Eddie to also sign.

“This is world is all about trying. But also, sometimes… it’s not enough.” Eddie says and immediately wants to take it back when he notices Richie’s deep frown. Who knows what went on before Richie and his husband divorced, and Eddie isn’t certain he wants to dig that grave today or ever.

Richie is quiet as Eddie hands him back the note. Eddie almost apologizes before Richie speaks up again. “I guess we’ll take it week by week with them.”

The second session comes. This time the couple is sitting a little closer together, not quite touching, but still closer.

“We had sex, or tried to at least before… I changed my mind.” The wife reported and looked down at her hands.

“Why did you say no?” Richie asks softly while Eddie notes that her husband doesn’t seem mad, just sad.

“I just…” She starts but pauses and closes her eyes, “I guess I thought I ready but the more we touched I realized how angry I still was.” She sniffled and Richie handed her the box of Kleenex.

“How did you take this?” Eddie asks the husband.

“I was mad. I thought for once we were making progress…” He cuts himself off and turns to her, “How can I make you less angry at me? I miss you!”

“I-I don’t know!” She cries out, “We are fine but then I think of how you treated me all those years, how you neglected me! How did you didn’t fucking care about me! I was practically your sex toy!”

“I’M SORRY! I fucked up and I know! But I am here! I want to be better!” The husband starts crying too.

She doesn’t say anything back and Eddie can feel her pain. He never tries to relate to any of his clients. Pain comes in different ways and that’s a good boundary to set. But he felt it. He’s been there before.

Richie takes the lead, “That’s the first step. If you are angry at him, tell him. And you just need to listen to her. Problems in relationships can lead to resolution which can lead to incredible things.” He writes down on his notepad, “You can’t fix years of problems over one session of sex. It takes time and work and so much effort. It is only if you’re willing to try.”

The session ends awhile after, with both sides just voicing more frustrations.

Eddie lets out a big sigh once they are back in Richie’s office, “Well that was interesting.”

Richie snorts, “Yeah but I believe there was a shift for the better. Like you said it is all about trying.”

Eddie wanted to argue that it was also about willing to forgive but he was already feeling emotionally spent, he doesn’t think his comment could come out civil enough.

“Hey Eddie…” Richie starts, Eddie just raises his eyebrow waiting for Richie to continue. “Julie is coming back next week.” He says but pauses again.

“So, you don’t need me anymore.” Eddie finishes for him.

“Well she can take over now, that’s all I’m saying unless you want to keep working together…” He lets that hang like it’s a question.

Eddie has an out and he is going to take it. He should. “Oh... Umm...” He again is very tired, and he doesn’t mean to sound so blunt. “Honestly it's for the best that we don’t work together.” Richie frowns and Eddie continues, “Couples counseling is just bringing unresolved issues and I am…” He shakes his head, “I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole.”

He sees the raging fire that is building up in Richie’s eyes. Richie was pissed.

“So, you don’t want to resolve our issues at all?” He snaps at Eddie, “You rather just keep this as awkward as it has been?”

“It has not been awkward!” Eddie snorts, rolling his eyes. “We come to work and that is all, no time for awkwardness.”

“At the party, you wanting to kiss me and me rejecting you, wasn’t that awkward for you?” Richie says and the venom in his voice just stinging Eddie in every way possible.

“Fuck you Richie!” Is all Eddie says, because he can’t say anything else. He felt humiliated and embarrassed he even let that happen.

“I’d love to!” Richie says and without a warning, crowds Eddie against the door. “I wouldn’t reject that.”

Eddie tries to, he really does. He wants to slap him across the face for the sheer audacity he had. But he doesn’t. A second passes and he slides his fingers down Richie's hair and then all hell breaks loose.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie’s mood changes and he smiles at Eddie stepping back. “My apologies then, it won’t happen again.” He is leaving and then pauses turning slightly, “Unless you beg of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY this took forever. I had finished up awhile back but had to do last minute changes and turns out being trapped without power during a snow storm in the south was just what I needed to finish this. anyways i don't condone cheating. and again, just a disclaimer: these characters have a lot of flaws and naturally their relationship is flawed. anyways... sorry if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes. ENJOY!

The water falls down his back. His head is leaning against the tile and his mind is flickering with memories. 

_Eddie letting himself be kissed by Richie, feeling the euphoria rush down his body. He can’t remember if he started the kiss or if they just fell into it. He simply pulled Richie’s hair and took his glasses off and… yeah. He realized it doesn’t matter as he moans while his tongue is petting Richie’s._

The soap scurries down his back and sides, sliding off him. Eddie hopes it cleans everything off.

_Eddie being pushed into the desk by Richie. His cock pulsing between his legs and he can see the outline of Richies’ as well. He angles his hips up to grind them against Richie._

He turns around and lets the water hit right on his face.

_Richie starts moaning in his ear about how desperately he was for him. Eddie repeating the same thing to him. He didn’t have the time or pride to not agree. This was happening and he was going to enjoy it._

He grabs more soap and rubs it on his body, grabbing his bath sponge and scrubbing himself clean, again.

_Eddie feels Richie slide his pants down, taking his cock in his hands. He couldn’t stop moaning, it had been a while since he’s felt this way during sex._

The water was slowly turning cold. Eddie had been in the shower for so long it seemed.

_Richie’s hand felt amazing. Eddie pulls back a little and undoes Richie’s own pants. He slides down to his knees, without a warning. He looks up and shyly asks for permission._

He stands under the shower again. The memories kept coming in and his cock started to stiffen.

_“Of course, baby, missed your mouth.” Richie whispers and Eddie just takes him in his mouth. Sucks on the tip, almost smirking to himself when he hears the low moan from the older man._

Eddie brings his hand to his mouth, remembering the taste.

_After Eddie swallowed Richie’s cum, he hoisted him up on the desk. “Did you miss me?” Richie had whispered as his hand wrapped around Eddie’s cock. Eddie couldn’t find his voice, so he nodded and whimpered. It seemed that was the answer Richie was looking forward as he relieved Eddie’s cock._

Eddie grits his teeth and grips his cock because he knew he couldn’t just ignore it.

_“Can’t wait to fuck you again. Get you under me and pull you apart.” Richie groans against his throat. “I’m better than him, right?” Eddie didn’t understand the question until Richie repeated himself, “I’m better than him, right? Better than your stupid boyfriend? Doubt he could make you moan like this.”_

Guilt starts to slide into Eddie, but he still strokes himself.

_“You’re better… no one is like you.” Eddie moans out and he is so close, he tells Richie how close he is. He can barely make sense before Richie slides down and slides Eddie’s leaking dick into his mouth._

Eddie is nearing his second orgasm of the night as he remembers just how good Richie’s mouth had been.

_Richie swallows his cum and pulls back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You alright sweetheart?” and for some reason that breaks the spell. Eddie stands up, sliding his clothes back on without a word. After, he gives Richie a long look and grabs his things and just leaves. Once he gets to his apartment he jumps in the shower._

Eddie finishes and lets the shower wash it all away. He scrubs himself clean two more times before he realizes it wasn’t going to work. He turns the shower off and wraps a towel around himself. He stares at himself in the mirror and his eyes still seem hazy.

He wants to smash the mirror, never look at himself again. Why did he do that?! He so easily fell back into Richie. After years of work, he put into getting over him. He’d… relapse.

But it was just a stupid one-time mistake. Eddie would make sure of it. He made a mistake and despite it all, he didn’t want to leave his boyfriend. His boyfriend who was everything Richie wasn’t, which was one of the reasons Eddie fell for him, deserved better. 

He technically had cheated on him, but it was a one-time thing. Eddie didn’t want to be back with Richie. They were turbulent and just didn’t fit together. (Even if they perfectly knew how to pleasure each other.)

Eddie grunts, sleep was nonexistent right now. He rummages through his drawer and finds sleeping pills. He doesn’t normally do this, but he only did this in cases of emergency, which this was.

In the morning, the guilt keeps crashing into him in small waves. He’d be fine and then he’d wallow in self-pity. He needed to somehow contain it and get over it at the same time. Eddie couldn’t face his boyfriend if he still felt this way.

He sees his boyfriend because he couldn’t just avoid him and then he discovers something that should frighten him. It… is easy for him to hide his guilt and simply lie to his boyfriend. His boyfriend doesn’t suspect anything. And Eddie isn’t acting guilty either.

He briefly thinks of how easy it would be to constantly cheat on his boyfriend. He all but scrapes that foolish thought. It was a stupid one-time mistake, it was never going to happen again.

Despite that, Eddie has dreams, vivid dirty dreams about Richie. He wakes up hard and ends up humping his bed for a few seconds before he reaches down and strokes himself to completion. And again… the guilt is minimal. He wonders if he should go back to therapy.

Eddie made sure he timed his entrance to work. He knew at a certain time Richie was going to be busy with a client, so that’s when he came in. He didn’t want to see Richie and be reminded of what they did in his office. He also hoped Richie wouldn’t bring it up either.

Surprisingly, he managed to successfully avoid Richie for most of the week. He was booking most of his clients back-to-back which left him spent, but he was accomplishing it. Until his boss scheduled a meeting. He tried to give excuses, but these meetings were mandatory.

So… there he was, sitting across from Richie and avoiding his obvious glare. During the meeting, Eddie had already planned to be the first one out. And because life had a grudge on him, his plan wasn’t successfully executed.

Richie grabs his arm and pulls him back as the rest of the counselors pile out the door. “We need to talk.” He whispers in a hush tone.

Eddie rolls his eyes, pulling his arm back and plastering a fake smile on his face. “Nothing to talk about.”

They were both trying to act normal to not gain attention from their peers, but Eddie could feel the rage bubbling out of Richie.

Richie raises an eyebrow, “Would you like this to be listed in an email instead?”

“Really? What would the email say? ‘Dear Mr. Kaspbrak sorry to bother you?’” Eddie hisses quietly.

Richie leans in, lips hovering over his ear and whispers, “No, it would just be highlighting how I want to swallow your cock again so it would be wise if you stopped avoiding me.”

Eddie gulps and he hates how audible it is. There is no one in that conference room, his peers were back to work… which means there was no reason for Richie to whisper anymore. Yet he did it because he knew the reaction that Eddie would have. _What an asshole!_

“Leave me alone.” Eddie moves away from him, “Whatever happened was a one-time mistake.”

“Really? A mistake where you in clear words told me there was no one better than me?” Richie steps closer and presses his hand on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie was gearing his rebuttal when Richie’s mood changes and he smiles at Eddie stepping back. “My apologies then, it won’t happen again.” He is leaving and then pauses turning slightly, “Unless you beg of course.”

Memories of him saying that to Richie years ago resurface. Richie was playing the same cards he was playing. In a way, Richie was just behaving like him. Somehow that makes Eddie even angrier. Was this all just a stupid game between them?

The rest of the day the anger just builds up, consuming his entire body. He would prove Richie wrong. His working day is up, and he goes straight to his boyfriend's house. He ravishes him, riding his boyfriend in his living room too worked up to head to bed. It was a little uncomfortable due to the positions but they both came and were spent against each other.

Cesar tries to catch his breath for the first few seconds, “What got into you Eddie?”

Eddie bites his lip and shrugs, “Just uh needed you I guess.”

Cesar chuckles, “It was a surprise. I don’t think I had ever seen you like this.”

“Is that… a bad thing?” Eddie looks down at the mess between them.

“Not necessarily, but I do prefer the sweet Eddie.” Cesar shrugs, then entangles them and cleans up. The rest of the evening is uneventful; they eat, and Eddie leaves back to his apartment.

The comment shouldn’t have bothered him, but it did. ‘Sweet Eddie?’ Him being sex craved bothered his boyfriend?

That never bothered Richie. He flinches and groans. His mind went there and now it wasn’t going back.

But perhaps it meant sense. Eddie was sweet with Cesar because there never was a sense of urgency or adrenaline rush that they could be caught. He was able to be gentle and didn’t mind it. And with Richie… there was no time for sweetness.

Eddie grimaces slightly because that wasn’t exactly true. There were moments of sweetness between him and Richie in the start before it became all about escape and dependency. He remembered how much Richie made him laugh or hug him when he needed him too. He remembered the tender kisses and cuddles they would share before Richie went back to his husband.

But he also remembered how good the sex was. Even if it was sex craved Eddie, Richie didn’t mind it. He remembers their recent hook up, it was what his boyfriend would categorize as sex craved and Richie definitely didn’t mind that.

He sighs frustrated. This line of thinking and questioning wasn’t getting him anywhere. It oddly seemed like he was trying to make excuses for why he could have sex with Richie again. He couldn’t he knows that, but he also knows an addict’s pattern of relapse all too well. Eddie falls asleep wondering if there was a way to ease his boyfriend into a more of sex craved way.

Richie was ignoring him again, which wasn’t as annoying as before. Eddie welcomed it now. It has been proven that they can’t be close colleagues. It had Eddie wondering if he managed to keep himself from spiraling if this was it, if… perhaps this was the end of it all, the end of them.

It wasn’t.

A month after his car breaks down. It’s late and his boyfriend isn’t answering his phone and remembers his boyfriend was tied up at work and probably wasn’t around his phone. He figures he could get an uber and just figure out what to do the next day.

He feels a tap on his shoulder and it’s just weird that he already knows who it is. Richie. He usually left around his time, which is why Eddie never left at this time. Eddie stayed later than usual because his workload had been overwhelming recently, he was behind on paperwork.

“What?” Eddie asks, already starting this conversation with annoyance in his voice.

Richie answers with a smirk and points to his car, “Car troubles?” Eddie nods because obviously. Richie hums, “Wish I could help but I don’t know a lot about cars. I could give you a ride though.”

Eddie must have imagined the double meaning in his words or perhaps Richie was a little subtle. “I’m good. I’ll take an uber.”

Richie rolls his eyes, “That’s ridiculous. You don’t live close enough to walk, which means that uber will cost you 20 dollars or more, so just take the free ride. No strings attached or whatever, I’ll go back to pretend you don’t exist tomorrow.”

Eddie narrows his eyes at him, especially at his last comment. He should say no. But he doesn’t. “Fine.”

“Great.” Richie mutters matching the lack of enthusiasm in Eddie’s voice. Once they’re in their car, Richie hands him his phone, “Put your address in.”

Eddie does and hands him his phone back. In the process, he glances at Richie driving. The lights reflected slightly from his glasses, his hair had been pushed back, and he was driving with one hand. And somehow Eddie felt a little hot. There was no denying how attractive Richie had always been. But Eddie truly chose the wrong moment to suddenly notice that again.

“So silent treatment?” Richie asks and interrupts Eddie’s ogling.

“Don’t see why we need to fill the silence with bullshit talk.” Eddie answered honestly and he saw Richie pause a little at his words, which then followed by a laugh.

“I guess you’re right.”

“I usually am.” Eddie retorted dryly, looking away from him.

“Except when you’re wrong.” Richie chuckles, “Like about us.”

“I am not wrong about us. We are not good together and what we had is in the past.” Eddie scoffs, Richie was on the highway, so it was unwise of him to simply jump out the window.

“Then stop staring at me like that.” Richie says and makes Eddie look at him again.

“Staring at you? Like what? I am mostly annoyed at your fucking existence!”

“Bullshit! I have peripheral vision and I can also sense the tension we have!” Richie’s tone of voice elevates, “Why can't you admit it Eddie? You were checking me out before, so it's not like this is a surprise for you!"

"I HAVE A BOYFRIEND RICHIE!" Eddie all but screams at him. "Why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?!"

"A boyfriend you're not happy with." Richie snaps at him, "If you were happy with him, I wouldn't have ended up with my cock in your mouth and your cock in my mouth!"

"Fuck you Richie, you don't know a thing about my relationship!" Eddie growls and sees his apartment complex coming up. Good, just a few more moments before he can be apart from this fucking mess.

"I had a failing marriage, remember?!" Richie twists the car and they're at the side of the road. He turns over to glare at him, "I know that when you are fucking happy, you don't go and cheat on your significant other!"

"A one-time mistake Richie! Which I fucking regret!" Eddie growls at him. “Just get it through your head, I don’t want you back!”

"Fine. We are here, goodnight." He simply says and the hurt is apparent on his face. 

Eddie has the stupid urgency to comfort him. He wants to take Richie's face in his hand and tell him he’s sorry. It’s complete bullshit and Eddie doesn’t know where he is getting that from. Perhaps all that thinking of sex has other feelings arising. He swallows that sentiment and nods. "Thank you."

He exits Richie's car and holds his tears in until he is inside of his apartment. His boyfriend calls an hour later and apologizes from missing his calls.

The next day, Richie isn't at work. Cesar drops him off and notices the absence of Richie's car. Was he sick? He didn't know what happened or if he did anything that caused that.

Richie wasn’t there and he just… missed him. Their relationship was emotionally turbulent, and it caused him great distress. But after crying his eyes yesterday, he was vulnerable. He cancelled the rest of his sessions for the day, giving a bullshit excuse and took an uber home.

Cesar came around, Eddie melted into his embraces. He was soothing enough and despite his bubbling feelings for Richie, Eddie did love Cesar. He was everything Eddie wanted in someone. Perhaps he was wrong in judging his comments too harshly the other day. Cesar was in his every right to prefer Eddie this way, then the way he behaved himself because of Richie.

Eddie gets dropped at work again by his boyfriend. Richie is there. He ignores Eddie again. Despite it all, he still craved Richie. He makes a plan and its absurd but perhaps after this, he can really just be over it. Like any addict, perhaps if they had a full drink or hit again, they’ll be able to get over it. Perhaps he needed more of Richie.

Eddie knew this mentality was insane, but his life has never been sane. 

After the end of the day, he sees Richie leave. This was it. Richie gets to his car and Eddie yells after him. “Hey!”

Richie stops and turns around confused. “What?” He asks and his voice is cool and collected. Eddie stares at him, his glasses reflecting the light a little.

“My car is getting fixed.” Eddie simply says. There is no returning from this.

“What? You want a ride?” Richie raises an eyebrow a little skeptical.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind. I don’t want to pay for an uber for the third time this week.” Eddie shrugs, trying to look casual but knowing he is failing miserably.

Richie snorts, “Fine, hope I don’t get yelled at like last time.”

Eddie pretends to huff in annoyance. If this went his way, this would end a tad differently. He tries, and ultimately fails, to not stare at Richie. He was so attractive. Richie was quiet the whole way there, which was odd because he was never this quiet. He must know Eddie was up to something or maybe he was being paranoid. He needed to get a grip because there was no backing down now.

“We’re here.” Richie announces as if Eddie doesn’t know how the outside of his apartment complex looks like. Eddie looks over at him and then lands his hand on Richie’s thigh. Richie eyes widen and looks down at his hand, then at Eddie. “Eddie…” He starts.

“Please.” Eddie whispers because he remembers Richie’s condition. He’d have to beg and here he is… begging. The shame was masked with pure desire. He says it again a little louder, “Please.”

“Fuck.” Richie mutters under his breath, “Here?”

“It’s dark and late…” Eddie whispers, sliding his hand up his thigh. “I bought a condom and lube with me. Want to be fucked by you.” His hand ultimately lands on Richie’s thickening cock.

So that’s how he ended up riding Richie’s cock. He could feel his nails scrape his shoulder as Eddie gasps in surprise. It was so good. It was more than good actually, euphoric and mind-blowing.

Richie was leaving marks on him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He wanted to go home and see them in the mirror himself. He leans down and slides their lips together. Richie moans into his mouth and he swallows the sound.

“Incredible, wonderful… just perfect.” Richie moans breathlessly. He was right, this was perfect. If they fucked this good, why did Eddie fight so hard to stop it?

Eddie is almost there. Richie can sense it because he shifts a little and Eddie’s entire body jolts. That angle was perfect and despite how long Eddie tries to hold onto, he finishes and gets Richie’s work shirt dirty. Richie pumps him through his orgasm.

“C’mon baby, inside of me. Do it inside of me.” Eddie slurs, leaning down to suck a nice bruise on Richie’s neck. Richie thrusts a couple more times and comes.

They’re sweaty and gross but Eddie feels completely sated. He only ever feels this way after sex with Richie.

“Shit Eds…” Richie sighs and leans back against the seat. “That was…”

“Amazing.” Eddie finishes for him. He feels loopy, like he usually does after sex with Richie.

Richie smirks, “Yeah.” They disentangle and try to clean up, Eddie’s mind starts clearing up.

“So…” Richie starts, and Eddie starts to realize what he’s done. This didn’t help. This actually made Eddie want to have sex with Richie even more.

Eddie swallows and shakes his head, “We shouldn’t have done that.” He grabs his things and opens the car door about to bolt for it.

“Eddie, what the fuck!” He hears Richie sharp inhale and turns around to look at him. “You can’t just... run.”

He didn’t want to sit there and have Richie convince him otherwise. He didn’t want that. He knew his stupid plan hadn’t gone like he thought. Eddie had so many feelings for him still.

“Richie just… leave.” Eddie says and he gets out of the car.

The next day, Eddie is at work and Richie is at work. Eddie can’t help but just push the limits more. All he did last night was cry and think about how good it had been. He has half an hour before his next client. He taps on Richie’s office, which was more or so just a courtesy because it was open anyways.

Richie stares at him for a moment, then clears his throat. “Yes Mr. Kaspbrak?”

“I need to talk to you for a moment.” Eddie says and closes his office door. “Look about last night…”

“Save it please.” Richie says, his jaw clenched.

“Richie… we need to talk.” Eddie says in a pleading voice.

“Talk about what? You don’t want to talk Eddie! You want us to fuck and you want to run away after it’s done!” Richie snaps at him, closing his laptop. “I’m not your fuck toy!”

Eddie snorts sarcastically, “Oh I guess it’s not fun when someone treats you that way huh? I guess it’s different when you are the fuck toy!”

Richie shrinks a little, “Eddie… is this what you want? To make me feel like you felt? Is this all a fucking game to you?”

“It is not a fucking game Richie!” Eddie snaps at him, “You think I sit around and plot this shit?”

“Well, what was yesterday?” Richie stands up, sliding his glasses back on. “You had a condom and lube! You plotted that hook up, it wasn’t random!” Eddie can’t fight him on there, he did plan that. He could explain it to Richie. “So, unless you want to talk about how obviously you aren’t happy with your boyfriend and that you obviously still have feelings for me, then you can exit. I have a session in 10 minutes.”

“You don’t get to question everything in life now Richie!” Eddie hisses, “My boyfriend isn’t a consolation prize I just settled with!”

“It isn’t?” Richie lets out a hard chuckle, “Could have fooled me!”

“It isn’t!” Eddie steps closer to him, “I moved on from you Richie and it was the hardest thing I had ever done but I am done with you in my life!” That was true, Eddie wanted that to be true.

“Bullshit!” He growls at Eddie, stepping closer too. It almost felt like they were gravitating to each other.

“You are too late, it’s over!” Eddie shakes his head, looking down at his hands that are balled up in fists, “I don’t love you anymore!”

“Bullshit!” Richie grabs his arm and pulls him closer, “Look at me Eddie!” Eddie has tears brimming his eyes and he shakes his head. “LOOK AT ME!” He does, he snaps his head up and looks at him. “Tell me. Tell me you don’t love me!”

“Are you fucking…” Eddie stares at him incredulously. “I just told you!”

“I want you to look at me while you’re saying it!” Richie pulls him against his chest. “Tell me.”

Richie knew him too well. Eddie can’t say it to him now because he doesn’t know if he’s still in love with Richie. He feels something, whether that’s purely sexual or if Eddie didn’t truly move on… it is something.

There is a knock on the door and they both jump apart. Eddie wipes his tears quickly. Richie lets him go, Eddie brushes past his client.

Now he was a mess. He gets through his clients and its very minimal help to them. It’s a surprise he doesn’t start sharing his problems with them.

At the end of the day, he is exhausted. His boyfriend can’t pick him up, work has him tied down again. And Eddie prefers that. He can’t face Cesar right now. He only wants one set of arms embracing him right now.

He gets his things and opens the Uber app. He runs right into Richie as he is exiting the building. Eddie literally collides with him and gets sent tumbling to the floor.

Richie doesn’t say anything as he helps him up. Eddie says a soft, “Thanks.”

He sneaks a glance at Richie, he looks exhausted as well. Eddie knows he’s the reason for that. 

“Listen I…”

“Eddie…”

They both stop and wait. A beat passes as they stare at each other, both waiting for the other to speak.

They don’t speak. They just lean in crashing their lips together in a fervent kiss. They both pull back after, breathlessly and with wild eyes.

“We can go to-“ Richie starts.

“Okay.” Eddie answers because it didn’t matter.

“…My house.” Richie finishes.

They both leave in Richie’s car. A small thought in the back of Eddie’s head bounces, he will continue ruining himself for Richie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> won't make any promises but i won't take as long to post the last chapter. thank you! please be kind if you leave a comment!


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